have you ever had a dream so freakin' real that it scared the crap out of you? I had one a couple of days ago. it wasn't a blood and guts type of dream, but rather it was one that just the idea that it might happen scared me.

I was in the hospital clearly pregnant, in a room with 5-6 other beds with other women who were in labour. I had gone in to labour as well and when all of the other beds had husbands and doctors and flowers and cards and balloons and bears, I had nothing. my husband wasn't even there. there were a couple of teens who were watching my agony with amusement, but my husband wasn't around. the doctor who was supposed to be helping me was on the phone and shouting directions at me from the wall on the oposite side of the room. I was in pain and my doctor was shouting things like "is it crowning?" "Can you push?" "reach in with your fingers and clear the shoulders so you can push" like I'm not the one in labour here? so the baby is born, a beautiful baby girl which wouldn't surprise me, but then my husband decides to show up and he's holding a brief case telling me that he has to go to work and that we'll pick up furniture for the baby when he gets home. he didn't even look at the baby or barely at me. i don't think I ever felt so alone in my life. it was scary. I woke up and rolled around a bit before I determined that I was too disturbed by my dream to sleep anymore and I got up. we're with some friends of ours in saskatoon and Candace was a huge help to me, just calming me down.

I wish I had been able to remember colour, I wanted to see the baby's eyes. it seems weird I know, but I really wanted to know everything about the baby. the eye colour, weight, length. I was so excited to be a mother but at the same time I was sad that Patrick really didn't want anything to do with her. I called her Ally right off the bat. but I won't tell you what that's short for. (I gotta keep some secrets)

pray for me okay? that this doesn't come to pass?
poof
Ruth